How to help an angry child: what works by age?

Anger isn't a bad emotion. It says: "Something matters to me and it isn't working." Young children simply don't yet have the words or the brakes to manage it alone. Your job isn't to switch anger off — it's to help your child get through it safely.

Are tantrums normal?#

Yes, and more common than many parents think. The NHS says tantrums usually start around 18 months and are far less common by age 4 — partly because children can say more in words. Tiredness, hunger, frustration or jealousy can also set them off (NHS, 2022).

In a large study, parents of 1,490 preschoolers reported on their children's temper. 83.7% had tantrums at least sometimes and 8.6% had them every day (Wakschlag et al., 2012). The behaviours that stood out were unpredictable, prolonged or destructive. More frequent and intense temper loss was linked with other emotional and behavioural difficulties; this is an association, not proof of cause.

Everyday outbursts typically come at moments such as hearing "no", leaving the playground or being tired.

How to help an angry child at each age#

Toddlers and preschoolers (18 months–5 years)

• Safety first. Move anything that could hurt and stay close.
• Few words, calm voice. "You're really cross. I'm here." Long explanations don't land mid-storm.
• Distract early, for example with something outside the window, and check whether your child is hungry or tired (NHS, 2022).
• Don't shout back. The NHS notes that losing your temper or shouting won't end a tantrum (NHS, 2022).
• Hold your "no". Giving in doesn't help in the long term, and the NHS also advises against bribing with sweets or treats (NHS, 2022).

Younger school-age children (6–9 years)

• Name the feeling and the body: "Your fists are tight and your cheeks are hot. That's anger."
• One clear rule: being angry is OK, hurting is not. If your child hits, don't hit back; tell them it hurts and isn't allowed. For younger children, the NHS also suggests a big open space such as a park, where they can run and shout (NHS, 2022). At home you might agree on stamping or shouting into a pillow.
• Make a plan when things are calm: "What helps when the anger starts to grow? Three big breaths, going to your room, squeezing a ball?"
• Consistency plus good moments. A review of 77 evaluations of parenting programmes for children aged 0–7 found larger effects when programmes built positive parent–child time and talking about feelings, used time-out and consistency, and had parents practise the new skills with their child (Kaminski et al., 2008). The review covered children up to age 7, so it doesn't directly test this with 8- and 9-year-olds.

Older children and young teens (10–14 years)

• Don't settle the argument at boiling point. "I can see you're furious. Let's come back to this in twenty minutes."
• Tackle the problem, not the child. "You're angry you couldn't go out. What would feel fair to both of us?"
• Show how you do it. Say it out loud: "I'm angry right now, so I'm going to take a breather."
• Practise skills when calm. A meta-analysis of 40 studies of anger programmes for children and adolescents found that practising concrete skills worked better than simply talking about feelings, and that practising between sessions was linked to better results (Sukhodolsky et al., 2004).

What doesn't help#

The American Academy of Pediatrics says that smacking, yelling and shaming are minimally effective in the short term and ineffective in the long term. Physical punishment is linked to a higher risk of negative behavioural, cognitive, psychosocial and emotional outcomes (Sege & Siegel, 2018). If you do lose your temper, a short repair helps: "I shouted. That wasn't OK. I love you." That, too, shows your child how to put things right.

Example conversation: Leo (6) and the tablet#

Imagine Leo, who is six. His agreed screen time is over. He yells "I hate you!" and throws a cushion.

During the outburst: "You're really angry the game ended. You're allowed to be angry. I won't let you throw things. I'm right here."

When he's crying but no longer shouting: "Do you want a hug, or a bit of space?"

Once he's calm: "That was hard. You were in the middle of a level and it just stopped." — "Yeah!" — "What would help next time? Shall I give you a five-minute warning?"

To finish: "When you're angry, you can stamp or say 'I'm SO cross'. We don't throw cushions. And I love you even when you're angry."

When are tantrums more than a phase?#

A study of 279 children aged 3–6 compared tantrums in children with no other difficulties and in children who also had emotional or behavioural difficulties. The second group more often showed violence during tantrums, more tantrums at nursery or school, and slower recovery; some hurt themselves during tantrums. For children with no other difficulties, a tantrum lasted about 12 minutes on average (Belden et al., 2008). The authors suggest warning signs worth discussing with a professional, while noting that these cut-offs have not yet been tested:

• tantrums lasting more than 25 minutes on average,
• 10 to 20 tantrums a month at home on separate days, or more than 5 a day on several days at school or elsewhere,
• hitting a caregiver or destroying things in most tantrums,
• deliberately hurting themselves during a tantrum — always take this seriously,
• your child usually can't calm down on their own and almost always needs your help to settle.

It's also worth getting advice if tantrums aren't easing after age 5, if anger is getting in the way of school or friendships, or if you feel worn out. Your GP, health visitor or paediatrician is a good first step and can refer you to a child psychologist or local family support. If anyone is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.