How do you talk to your child about a disabled classmate?

A girl with hearing aids, a boy who uses a wheelchair or a classmate who needs more time joins the class. Children notice — and often ask out loud, in a shop, at the playground, right in front of that child. The parent goes pale. There’s no need.

Is it OK that my child asks out loud?#

Yes. A curious question isn’t rudeness; it’s how a child makes sense of the world. It’s worse when they learn that “we don’t talk about that” — then they learn that there is something wrong with being different. Answer calmly, in ordinary words: “That’s a wheelchair. Ema rides in it, just like you walk.” If the classmate is nearby and wants to join in, talk with them, not about them — guidance on communicating with disabled people recommends speaking to them directly, not about them over their heads (Supreme Administrative Court of the Slovak Republic).

Does it help to explain to my child what the disability is?#

A little, but less than we might expect. In a survey of 1,881 children aged 7–16, more positive attitudes were linked mainly to contact — and about a third of that link was explained by children feeling less uncertain about how to behave, and by more empathy (Armstrong et al., 2016; this was an association, not an experiment). A review of 42 programmes found that the ones that worked better had several components and several sessions — knowledge, contact and conversation (Lindsay & Edwards, 2013).

What this means for parents: there’s no need for a lecture about a diagnosis. A few concrete things that reduce your child’s uncertainty help more:

• Ask: “Would you like a hand?” — and respect a “no”.
• Don’t help without asking (don’t push the wheelchair, don’t take things out of their hands).
• Talk to them directly, not to their mum or their teaching assistant.
• Wait, and don’t finish their sentences.
• Adapt the game so you can play it together.
• Don’t stroke a working dog without asking.

The same advice appears in guidance on communicating with disabled people (Supreme Administrative Court of the Slovak Republic).

Do books about disabled children help?#

They can, if they are well written. In a British study, children aged 5–10 spent 6 weeks reading stories about friendships between disabled and non-disabled children and talking about them in a group; afterwards they had more positive attitudes towards disabled people (Cameron & Rutland, 2006). A summary of 12 school studies showed a similar effect for direct contact and for this kind of “extended” contact (though only two studies tested the latter); for contact through media alone, an effect was not reliably confirmed (Armstrong et al., 2017). Attitudes were measured shortly after reading, not long-term behaviour.

Watch out for books that mean well but get it wrong. When pre-schoolers watched an episode meant to promote acceptance of a disabled character, most of them missed the moral. In the version where the others were afraid at first, children who better understood the characters’ feelings and goals got the message less; in the version without fear, the opposite (Mares & Acosta, 2008). Reading works with stereotypes affected third-graders’ attitudes (Gulya & Fehérvári, 2023). Analyses of children’s books keep finding pity (“poor little thing”), admiration “despite” (“brave little soul”) and miracle cures (Ayala, 1999; Beckett et al., 2010; Keith, 2001).

How to spot a good book: the disabled character has their own goal, makes their own decisions, makes mistakes and is funny; the disability is just one of their traits (Dyches & Prater, 2005); nobody pities them, they aren’t cured, and there’s no moral at the end.

What if my child laughs or is scared?#

Laughing: stop it calmly and briefly, without shaming your child in front of others: “We don’t laugh at how someone looks or moves. We can laugh together at a joke.” At home, ask what made them laugh — sometimes it’s embarrassment, not unkindness.

Fear or pulling away: if your child is scared (for example, whether it’s catching or whether the aid hurts), answer truthfully and simply (“No, you can’t catch it. Her hearing aid helps her hear.”) and give your child time. Don’t push them into a hug or a friendship; ordinary play side by side is enough.

What matters most?#

What your child sees in you. In a review of 20 studies, pupils’ attitudes towards disabled peers were linked to parents’ influence and to experience of disability; classmates’ attitudes in turn were linked to how much the disabled child took part in the group (de Boer et al., 2012). And when the whole group learns to be accepting, not just “the different” child, children who struggle have a better standing and more friends (Mikami et al., 2013 — a study with children with ADHD).

Instead of / Try#

When should you act?#

If a disabled child in the class is teased, left out or hurt, that isn’t a “children’s squabble” — it’s a job for adults. Talk to the class teacher or the school psychologist and treat it as bullying. If your child is afraid of something for a long time or the situation troubles them, see a child psychologist. Children can also call a children’s helpline — you’ll find the one for your country on our Safety page.

How our books handle it#

You can add a disabled friend to the story — a made-up character with their own goal and mistakes, with whom the hero achieves something together. The aid is mentioned rarely and we never spell out a moral; the story shows one or two ordinary things (asking, waiting) in action. And if your child uses an aid that our character builder offers (glasses, hearing aids, ear defenders, an arm sensor, an eye patch), the hero has it too — in every world, never “cured”. We don’t promise the book will change behaviour; it can start a conversation.