First phone: what to agree with your child

Why an agreement rather than a list of rules?#

Because rules with no explanation tend to provoke pushback. In a questionnaire study of 1,472 adolescents in Belgium (aged 12–21), a controlling way of setting prohibitions was linked to more defiance, while prohibitions given with respect for the young person’s point of view were linked to less (Van Petegem et al., 2015). It’s an association, not proof of cause.

The second reason is more practical. In a study of 703 fourteen-year-olds in Sweden, parents knew most about their children’s lives from what the children chose to tell them — not from tracking and checking (Stattin & Kerr, 2000). So alongside settings, it matters that your child talks to you.

A US review of research on online abuse adds that parental controls alone aren’t enough; prevention also needs to build children’s own skills (Wolak et al., 2008).

What should the agreement include?#

1. Block, report, mute. Find these together in the apps your child uses and try them out on a harmless example.
2. “You can come to me without worrying I’ll take your phone.” This is the most important point. A child who expects punishment is more likely to hide a problem.
3. Consent before sharing. They only pass on a friend’s photo if the friend agrees. And for their own posts: “Would I be happy for everyone to see this in a year’s time?”
4. Nothing that shows where I live — address, school name, location, or what’s visible in the background of a photo.
5. “No” counts online too. I can stop replying without explaining, and I can always say “I need to check with my parent” (UKCIS, 2020).
6. Codes and passwords stay private. No real prize ever asks for a password or a card number.
7. Time and sleep. An agreed finish time, and the phone sleeps outside the bedroom. The US Surgeon General recommends a family media plan — with rules for the adults as well (US Surgeon General, 2023).

Write the agreement together and both sign it. Review it after a month, and add more freedom as your child gets older.

Why isn’t blocking enough?#

Blocking is a good first step, but children often rely on it instead of talking. In a US survey of 9–17-year-olds, children were more than twice as likely to block or report someone as to go to an adult, and around half of them were contacted again after blocking (Thorn & Benenson Strategy Group, 2021).

In the EU Kids Online survey of 9–16-year-olds across 19 European countries, children who had a bad experience most often told a parent or a friend — yet, depending on the country, between 4% and 30% told no one (Smahel et al., 2020). That’s why the agreement needs both: block and tell someone.

What if my child breaks a rule?#

Keep two situations apart. If your child broke a rule, deal with it calmly and as agreed. But if they came to you with a problem — someone is messaging them, they sent something, something frightened them — help first and thank them. In cases of blackmail, experts specifically advise against taking the device away (UK Safer Internet Centre); the same logic applies to smaller problems.

If you do check anything, say so openly and explain why. Secret monitoring can quickly undermine the trust the whole agreement rests on.

How our comics approach this#

We are developing the “Safe Online” story, in which a child tries out first-phone situations in a story — for example, asking everyone before sharing a group photo. It is still in preparation and isn’t available yet. A comic doesn’t replace conversation or settings.